I wonder how many people are in love with Claire Danes, or were in love. With Angela, I guess, more accurately. I'm watching her talk to Letterman at age sixteen. It's a bit inconceivable that sixteen year olds are like this. I mean, she pretty much looks the same now, and her subsequent appearances on Late Night aren't necessarily more poised or more mature, or older, etc. I mean, compare her to the awkwardly spazzy Kristin Stewart, who was eighteen when she did her "star" turn on Letterman.

I'm trying to figure out, in watching Claire talk, if I've basically templated my dream girl out of some combination of Angela Chase, Natalie Portman (mainly Marty in Beautiful Girls), and Dorothy. All young naif-ish girls who are mature beyond their years. I'm pretty much destined to date young I've decided. Why fight it? All this and I haven't even read Lolita yet.

Recently, I've been having talks with people about the themes in their love lives. What types of people they are attracted to, who gets attracted to them, etc. For the most part, we're all old enough now where history is a big enough factor to go back and pick out some patterns and such. What I'm discovering is that I pretty much haven't moved past adolescence as far as what I'm attracted to.

What I have learned to do, is verbalize and pinpoint better exactly what I'm looking for. A new trait I think I like, for example, is neuroticism. I like people who read into all sorts of little things. Nervousness as something to talk about. If someone is super neurotic, it generally means they're really observant -- and we won't run out of things to obsess over. Now, while I know I'm attracted to this, I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Heavy neuroses might lead to terrible relationships (especially with me), but yet it's a quality I'm instantly attracted to. It's like I like that emotional and mental high maintenance, but if I were to actually date that, it would be a disaster.

I want to start a service (or write a book) about the importance of that first real relationship. I'm often of the idea "date that first one, get it out of the way, move on." But that really doesn't give enough importance to your first real significant other. Shit, that stuff will reverberate with you forever. Talk about being ruined for life. Anything bad (or good) in that first relationship and you'll be stuck figuring it out for the next fifteen years, or living in an infinite loop if you're destined for a tragic love story.

My service would provide parents and friends with the knowledge that their child will have the perfect first boy/girlfriend. We'd even do a psychological profile and figure out the best way for this perfect first person to exit their life gracefully after a year or two. Puppy love is fun and cute and all but we all know that there's no better way to scar yourself forever than through those first experiences.

This is probably a million dollar idea, but I'd only charge an hourly fee of twenty bucks or so.

Also, in talking about people recently, I've been using the term "gravity" and "attraction." Some people have attraction, some people have gravity. In short, attraction only works on certain types of people. Like magnetism, there's one pole that attracts and one pole that repels. People with romance gravity however, just suck the opposite sex right in. "She's got strong gravity, any guy who hangs around her will end up liking her." I have to refine this theory and come up with some examples, but it looks promising already.

Well, I did it, I went speed dating. After a year or so of declaring my desire to date, of flirting casually with match.com, and of writing down that dating would be a goal of mine, I went speed dating. Of course, it took free tickets and a charity event for me to get off my ass but who cares right?

Over the course of three hours, I met twenty plus some eligible bachelorettes. For the most part they were all lovely and very easy to talk to. During my first four minute date, I was super sweaty because the room was unseasonably warm. I wondered if my counter-part, the female #19, noticed. I wasn't particularly nervous but I wasn't super comfortable (yet) either.

I had dressed in my best white t-shirt, worn some non-jeans pants, and generally prepared to "change my life" as the dry erase board declared in blue ink. I had seen Dann do his speed dating thing a few times and knew what to expect. As I surveyed the crowd with Chris and Irwin by my side, we commented on the lack of prospects.

Technically, this was to be a speed dating event for over a hundred people. Three age groups, with forty or so people in each -- we were in the twenty three to thirty five group I think. The large office space was crowded with all manner of people, many of them older(-looking) and futtering around, and I would have felt way out of place if I didn't know that everyone else felt way out of place too.

Chris and I were slated to be right after one another. I thought we would initially play it cool and not acknowledge that we knew each other, but through the course of the night, it became a topic of conversation. I would gesture over to Chris in mid-conversation with some girl ("Oh that's my friend, give him a hard time), and on breaks we huddled together. At station number three, halfway through the event, we even sat together and talked to the same girl due to irregularities in the seating. We made good tag team partners, and our new idea is to have speed dating in pairs. It's a little less awkward.

For the most part, I had a blast during the entire experience. It's funny how even as you talk and conversate, you have this part of your brain that is processing -- at high speed -- if you could potentially go on a real date with this person. "Hum, is she attractive? Would we have anything in common? Is she sending any vibes back?" I watched this Science of Sex thing recently and they studied speed dating. Their conclusion was that you couldn't tell if a girl was interested in a guy by watching them during an event, but you could semi-tell by watching the guy. So I knew not to expect any "real" positive or negative vibes. Girls automatically chat and flirt when put into close proximity with guys and reading their signals indicates nothing.

I wanted to avoid the "Where are you from? How long have you lived here? What do you do?" questions as much as possible. I tried to let my natural curiosity take over and just ask other things. My two most generic questions were "So have you done this before?" and "Do you think it sucks that the girls have to sit here the whole time while the guys move around?" I used those when I had nothing else to say. Surprisingly, there wasn't much dead air with any of the women. I guess people come to these events ready to talk.

Overall, I felt the conversations were way too short. I have a tendency to listen before I talk so I found myself asking too many questions and not giving enough answers. There would be times when the bell would ring and we both would realize I said nothing about myself. There would be times I wanted to know more about some particular topic ("So tell me about glass blowing") but should have probably pushed the conversation to learn more about them.

Then again, speed dating is pretty much all about attraction. You can't learn that much about anyone in four minutes, so as we said afterwards, we could have easily selected "yes" or "no" without the talking portion. In fact, Dann said he's heard of speed dating events where there isn't any talking allowed. Just sitting there and looking at each other. How's that for uncomfortable? Dann did say that this type of non-verbal speed dating resulted in more post-event make outs.

The event got really draining for the women and a few of them started leaving. There were less women then men so they didn't get any breaks while we were fortunate enough to have rests every once in awhile. During those times, I would go hang out with Victor (he was on hand, dressed up in a blazer, and helping out), take a break for cookies or juice, and generally escape the forced conversation. I can imagine how tiring it would have been to not have those breaks so I can't really fault the women for leaving. Apparently one couple decided they liked each other so much that they decided to ditch the event altogether and just leave as a pair. True love indeed.

Out of the nearly twenty five women, I said "yes" to six. There were apparently two girls that Dann said were really cool and were semi-coworkers of his, but he cruelly ended the event before Chris and I could rotate in to them. And I thought he was our friend. There was one girl there I thought was really pretty, number nine, but there was no way in high hell she would have matched with me. I marked "yes" because I'm an optimist though.

Will I go speed dating again? Sure! Because I'd like to change my life in four minutes and next time around I'm going to drag George so we can gossip afterwards.

Listening to: The New Yorker Out Loud Podcast. A short weekly podcast about random stuff. Everything's generally around ten minutes so and perfect for a short walking or bussing commute. A few I've enjoyed: Comedian Kat Williams (Apr 13), the enduring appeal of vampires (Mar 16), and the Lily Allen experience (Mar 9). My ratio of audio listening is like 70% podcasts and 30% music nowadays. I just find it oh so informative.

It's been said that we're a tough bunch to infiltrate. Last week, sitting around the kitchen table, we were (briefly) talking about if we're jerks or asses because nobody's significant others gets easily embraced. Which is true. I mean, we're incredibly judgmental, we apparently aren't always friendly, and we're like kind of mean sometimes -- or we don't hesitate to say negative things quickly. That can't be fun for the girlfriend/boyfriend to wander into. Actually, I can't even think of many boyfriends that have been brought around. If they come around, they're already fiances or super serious, so we kind of have to like them (or not). So I'll restrict this to girlfriends.

You know how people are always saying, "It's important that my friends like my girlfriend, etc." That's great but half of that getting your GF integrated is having your friends reach out. And now that I stop and think about it, we don't really do that as a group. We aren't great at reaching out. Or maybe we are but we just don't do it. I'd love to know the reason why. It probably starts because of how insular we are. There's a lot of history, a lot of inside jokes, a certain rhythm to our hanging out. We're not uppity, if anything, we're the opposite, we're down-ity. Btw, I'm talking about the San Diego friend group, not the dance one or others ones -- not that there are other ones.

I personally have never encountered this problem with my girlfriends. I tend to date from within the pool so everyone's already friends with her. This presents its own problems of course. Namely that there's a lot of "he said, she said" and there's scrutiny all around. But it makes it really easy because I've never had to integrate anyone to the friend group.

It's something everyone else has had to do. And I can't say there's been any full on successes. If anything, someone is a winner simply by being non-annoying and semi-fun. That means the bar is raised pretty low but at the same time, that bar is attached to a big old brick wall right behind it. It must suck for the GF, who's probably trying to be friendly and nice. I wonder what effect this has had on anybody's relationships.

I mean, it's like someone could have been going out with our friend for years and we barely know them, or acknowledge them, or reach out to get to know them. Imagine if that were the other way around? I can't necessarily, because I've never had to infiltrate a GF's friend group. It's something I hope to experience one of these days.

And when I fail I'll be sure to return with my tail between my legs and report how mean and unwelcoming they are and declare that it's just perfectly normal for everyone to be jerks.

Listening to: Indigo Swing, "The Way We Ought To Be."

For awhile there, in 1998-ish, right around when I got my first official girlfriend, I was really into swing dancing. A lot of people were I think, due to the release of Swingers and Swing Kids. The summer previous, George, Grace, and I had taken a ballroom dancing class at UCSD, which seems like such an odd thing for us to do. But I remember it being pretty fun. We might have also gone to a few swing dancing classes in San Diego somewhere.

I personally liked the swing scene for the shoes. I loved the two tone shoes. I actually never got my own pair but I just loved looking at them and Stacey, the girlfriend, had some. Paired with her signature argyle socks, I thought they looked cool as hell. One of the first times I visited her in Santa Cruz, we went out to a swing club. The venue was two stories, with a huge dance floor and everyone was dressed up and had serious style and moves. I sucked, as usual -- mastering the six count and triple step was beyond me -- and was mostly just entranced by the film to life aspect of it all.

The band for the night was Indigo Swing, who rocked the shit out of the house and I immediately fell in love with them. After buying their CD and listening to them non-stop, they happened to come to Ann Arbor randomly and some of us went out to watch them there too. For a few weeks afterwards, we did the whole swing thing in Michigan, going around to various spots on campus to learn, dance, and gawk.

I wonder if some people template on their first girlfriends. For example, I feel like after Stacey, I have tended to date variations on her theme. I always end up in relationships with the same type of girl. The super nice, slightly quirky, and often very privately guarded type of girl who is social and giving and always well liked by everyone they come into contact with. Something about that personality attracts me and vice versa, even if on paper it's nothing I would list as looking for in a girl. We always get along famously, right off the bat, and I think somewhere in there, they're surprised by how damn nice I can be and that's a straight shot to their heart. I'm the nice guy who dates the nice girl, end of story, happy ending. But it never quite works out that beautifully.

All through my retellings of my failures as a boyfriend (past, present, future), I always say that I was a really good boyfriend the first time around. Stacey and I were long distance for the entire nine months or so we were together and saw each other maybe once every six weeks. She never came out to Michigan, I always flew to Santa Cruz, which seems strange in retrospect. For the first semester of my junior year, I worked at a campus coffee shop in order to pay for the flights and the phone calls. And we were on the phone constantly. The East to West coast time change was perfect for me. I had time to hang out with my friends all night long and still return to catch her around midnight California time. I don't think it would have worked out quite as well if we were geographically reversed, I'm strictly a late night guy.

We were constantly sending packages back and forth. I made an extraordinary array of cards, puzzles, remember me forever items, and wrote letters that rambled on for pages. This was like first relationship magic and I was 110% committed and we never had any problems. We just missed the hell out of each other and there were a few times we'd have to part and I'd be all teary and crying and stuff. It was so Nicholas Sparks.

Everything spiraled downhill quickly though. By second semester, my school life got busier and I was unable to spend as much time on the phone and doing things. As I've now learned, when you set those attention benchmarks high, any significant dip and the other party will start worrying about if you care for them the same way. I don't recommend the smother and retreat method, that one's not in the handbook.

I suggested somewhere around month five that we might consider taking a break. "A break" were the words she least wanted to hear because her previous boyfriend had suggested the same thing and then had subsequently broken up entirely. In my eyes, a break was defined as "we're still together but we just need to not talk as much." To her, a break was the same thing as a break up. Bad choice of words on my part. That miscommunication led to tension, fighting, and eventually I lost my patience with the entire thing, dragging our relationship carcass for another few months before I abruptly ended things in June, right when we could have spent some quality time together.

Now that I think about it, that might be a relationship theme too, I tend to date girls right when they've just gotten out of a painful relationship. I'm either that rebound guy or I'm pouncing when they're defenseless. Your call.

Another thing I've noticed in my exes is that they tend to have similar ways of dealing with their frustrations or issues. They hold it in, bottle it up, and then it all comes blowing out when the lid pops off. Is there some sort of archetype here I should be aware of? I used to be convinced that I was just coincidentally choosing this type of girl (every time) but recently I've been exploring how my issues with emotional communication might lead them to not talk about things. In the post-relationship feedback talks we had, I learned about a ton of things that Stacey had held in during our relationship. I'd like to think that I'm all ears and open to anything but in reality I probably present a very passively closed position.

Anyway, the take home lesson is for me to avoid the nice girl, that's what I've decided in theory. There must be an underlying reason why I'm constantly attracted to this type but I've yet to figure it out completely. It probably has to do with my insecurities, their insecurities, and some fatal but delicious meshing of the two. A medal and declaration of ultimate friendship to the person who can figure it all out and explain it to me.

Stacey had this amazing, super dark, lustrous hair, which was always admired and marveled at. I think I've imprinted on that too since girls with thick shiny hair that curls in a particular way are just well, irresistible.

"I've never been to Paris, France
I never learned how to ballroom dance
But she still giving me the chance, how lucky can one guy be

I never made a load of dough
I never been to a Broadway show
But to her I'm original Romeo, how lucky can one guy be

Her other boyfriends and the hopeful men, call her on telephone
But at the end of the night, she's holding me tight, and I'm the one taking her home"
-How Lucky-

Listening to: Kimya Dawson, "Tire Swing."

What to make of 2008? I can't say it's been a hard year but to be honest, it's been a hard year. If 2006 was the year of discovery, 2007 the year of recovery, then 2008 is the year of, well, something that rhymes with -covery. Whatever. I'm not even going to begin to complain because I haven't had a job for one day this year and the next time that'll happen will probably be awhile. Have I used all that free time wisely? Certainly not, but it hasn't been totally unproductive.

I've been going over past pictures, blogs, and journal entries in an effort to encapsulate what 2008 was about. For the most part, it felt disjointed, like big momentous things happened but then sped by to be replaced by long lulls where I sat home and itched for action. Let's just start with the stats of it all.

Best movies: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Iron Man, Planet B-Boy
Best books: The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay (M.Chabon), Love is a Mix Tape (R.Sheffield), How to be Alone (J.Franzen)
New friends made: Six
Contact lens prescription: -5.00 (left) and -4.75 (right), both increased slightly
Car odometer reads: 206,632 miles
Money wasted on online dating sites: $34.99
Web addresses bought: Two (jonwow.com and exclusivelychloe.com)
Twitter updates: 459
First five picks, fantasy basketball: C. Paul, A. Jefferson, C. Billups, A. Jamison, C. Anthony (currently number one)
First five picks, fantasy football: S. Jackson, L. Fitzgerald, M. Colston, R. Bush, J. Cutler (ended season in third place)
Buy a copy of EC (May 2009) and I earn: $0.40
Tagged photos of me on Facebook: 145
People kissed: Four
Music on repeat: Adele, Shortbus soundtrack, Girl Talk
Days I've been 30 years old: 122
MVL stock bought / sold: $30.25 (May) / $32.81 (Sep)
Money made from MVL stock: +$230.40
Colored iPhone apps: 18 blue, 8 red, 7 green, 15 orange/tan, 8 purple, 4 steel/neutral
Lowest Brain Tuner time: 15.62 seconds
Moblog entries: 293 (73 in August)
Blog entries: 63 hyperwest, 109 jonyangorg, 30 next thursday
Journal entries: 79
Movies seen in theaters: 37 (10 A, 12 B, 11 C, 4 D)
iTunes: 25,049 songs, 106.2 days, 123.84 gigs
Haribo gummy bears consumed: Infinity plus a handful

I collected approximately nine months worth of unemployment -- originally only six months, but George W. was kind enough to sign an extension during the summer. That allowed me to not only increase my savings but combined with living rent free at home all year, I didn't think about money once. Actually, I thought about it a lot but only how to use it. Would I buy new clothes, could I take more trips, should I buy trinkets? In the end, I didn't exactly splurge on anything, in an effort to conserve money for when unemployment ends, but I didn't penny pinch either. It was fun. For so long I've lived with the specter of having no money, or having to borrow, that I really enjoyed not even blinking at paying for things, or paying for other people's things. It's nice to buy people stuff, even if it's just a drink or dinner.

Unemployment ends in a week or so. My job hunt begins soon and barring a miracle, I'll be back at some terrible entry level job I hate. The trade off will (hopefully) be that I'm out of San Diego and moved up to somewhere like San Francisco. I dread the prospect of returning to a job but I won't even bitch about it because everyone else is dealing with real adult things like layoffs and keeping their jobs while still juggling bills. I have no job sure, but I also have no bills. And yes, I'm thirty.

As for writing, I've begun to become comfortable saying that I'm a writer. Until I could see the finish line for this book, I wasn't willing to say "writer" to describe myself unless pressed. Now, with it finished and completed, I'm willing to say, "I'm a writer," when someone asks what I do. I still feel like a sham about it but you are what you say you are. Unless you aren't. Either way, one of my goals for 2008, to actually try and start freelancing, failed miserably. I haven't technically had any writing responsibilities since July or so but I never got my act together to even try submitting articles, queries, or anything of the like. That goal will have to rollover I guess, like my minutes.

I attended four weddings this year (Stacey, PZ/Amy, Tien, Susan). I was not a bridesmaid for any of them, despite the release of Made of Honor in 2008 -- which I never saw, perhaps my fatal mistake. I guess that life goal will remain unchecked. My list of potential female friends who might even consider me to be bridesmaid status is quickly getting pared down though. So far nobody's been woman enough to shake things up and throw a great guy friend up there. C'mon people, someone be original. I'm running out of time! I've got a few dear friends planning weddings for next year so I'm keeping hope alive. I'm a size six and I look good in white (t-shirts).

The amazingly hopeful beginning of the year, filled with plans to travel to Southeast Asia with my fellow Dirty Thirty club members (James, Lynn, George) fell through. My grand plan to move to New York for the summer? Also fell through. The end of the year finds me where I swore I wouldn't be at the beginning; back at home, slumming in San Diego. Basically I'm all talk. I didn't move anywhere. No Hawaii, no overseas, no big international trips. I did manage to spend August in New York, make four separate trips to San Francisco, and a side trip to Washington DC. I could rally and go somewhere in January but that might cost me a month or two of rent when I move. Rent, trip, or new laptop? No brainer: laptop. Real brainer: rent. Not coming soon to an airport near you: me.

I guess it's okay though because now 2009 can start fresh and alive. "Hope" you know? On the very last day of 2008, the people I've called or talked to tonight to wish Happy New Year and such, the people whom I'm in constant daily contact with, are an entirely different group than a year ago. In fact, it feels a little bit like my close friend circle has changed. The old stalwarts, the people who've long dominated my late night, daily, and random but strangely consistent phone calls have all changed in the span of twelve months. This might not seem like much to you but for me, the bedrock of my general happiness and mini-socialness lies in these phone calls/texts/emails. So to have the whole bunch switch over has been really interesting.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I realized this had happened, when I'd fully replaced my habitual almost daily phone call person with someone new, that I saw the changes for what they were. The people I interact with, talk to, or know what's going on the most, are mostly people I didn't even know (or barely knew) last year. I'm not sure what that means exactly except that people move on, habits change, and my list of frequently dialed numbers has been altered for better or for worse.

On a sidenote, I'm currently working on a personalized friendship roles thingy based on this NBA Archetypes Hierarchy. More on that when it's done. I'm excited about it because I'm a retard and I get psyched about this stuff.

Part of what has made this year seem so topsy turvy is that matters of the heart have taken me far afield and into places I'd never expected. Technically speaking, I've been single for about a year and a half. As I navigate a continued friendship with my ex, I'd resolved to stay single for as long as possible to avoid hurting others (and myself I guess). Well that didn't exactly work out.

In the middle of the year, two really close friends and I got into this big old messy situation where we basically played two boys, one girl. As you can imagine, it was an awkward and emotionally wrenching couple of weeks. Not only was I facing the prospect of feeling alienated from my absolute best friend, it was also tied into complications and a new definition of friendship with my other friend. We sought solutions other than the obvious one of backing off, or having her choose, but in the end, I kind of just decided that I couldn't do it. Three way, open way, no way. I stepped out of the situation and to be honest, the awkwardness and emptiness of it all hasn't evaporated yet. C'est la vie.

I was either not brave enough or not crazy enough. Take your pick.

What I've learned (not necessarily from this situation), or hope to learn, is that it's not necessary that every time there is mutual attraction, there has to be a jump to hyper speed and a relationship. That's not an easy lesson to let sink in after years of indoctrination in the "date for marriage" school of thought. If anything, I'm incredibly fearful that I only know how to react to romance seriously, instead of lightly or from a "let's see what happens" approach. It'll be a nice lesson to explore and learn because I freaking suck at serious romance.

I tried to stay attachment free heading into 2009 (and flippantly I always said 2010) but in the end, I kind of failed. But happily. I'm sort of, kind of, definitely dating someone now and while that's an entirely scary thought with my horrendous track record, it is exciting and hopefully results in only the best. I think I learned quite a bit from my last attempt at a relationship and those lessons will ideally carry over into the new year, and into this new thing. "Keeping it real," as a friend of mine always wisely says. Wish me luck.

I guess that about covers it. 2008 in a nutshell. I'll end this with five great times, in chronological order.

(1) Going to the Super Bowl in Arizona with James, as an indentured servant for Okapix.
(2) The Celtics win their 17th championship. I misplace a $1500 winning ticket. Whoops.
(3) PZ and Amy's Wedding and the New York trip in general. Seeing Amit every day for like a month.
(4) Re-meeting my cousins, Cleo and Tiana, after seven years. They're totally grown up now and super fun and amazing.
(5) All the San Francisco trips, complete with oyster shucking, mash up parties, Little Mermaid sing-a-longs, 30th birthday celebrations, and Stevie Wonder-full.

Listening to: Paul Tiernan, "How to Say Good Bye."

I spent most of the afternoon organizing my Google Reader, trying to figure out what I'd like to read every day versus crap that just crosses my desk. I considered cleaning up my del.icio.us too but that seemed pointless because I rarely reference it. Basically I'm trying to streamline my Internet time heading into 2009. Hours and hours spent online would better be used writing, or at least, reading. I've found that being back home, sitting in my preferred chair, enables me to not budge for five or six hours at a time. While my little desk at George's house was nice, it wasn't quite as comfortable as my setup here. It's been two days and I'm already back to my standard San Diego routine. Up at two, sleep at dawn, accomplish nothing. Yup, I'm definitely home.

So Leslie sent me an interesting article today about how watching rom-coms (romantic comedies) can spoil your love life. Fascinating that they do studies on this sort of thing. I should have gone into social anthropology or something, I could design these types of experiments all day.

It's hard to argue that these movies don't create unrealistic expectations for your real life but the article doesn't go into enoough depth anywhere to back it up with solid evidence. I mean, one of the parts of the study they mentioned was having students watch Serendipity versus a David Lynch movie. Of course the students watching John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale were more likely to believe in fate. Shit, it's fucking John Cusack/Lloyd Dobler! Plus the only thing people usually feel after watching a Lynch film is confused, and not just about love.

A quote from one of the researchers: "Films do capture the excitement of new relationships but they also wrongly suggest that trust and committed love exist from the moment people meet, whereas these are qualities that normally take years to develop." What I take from this is that movies can give us this idea that amazing relationships can spring forth from a singular, instantaneous, moment of chemistry. If that's what they're arguing, that movies have fucked with our perceptions of the beginning and end of relationships (from magical circumstance to happily ever after), I wholeheartedly agree.

I'm a victim.

I mean, I've long treasured my Before Sunrise moments and have almost consciously made that part of my relationship (and friendship) pattern. But maybe there is something to the idea that trust and commitment can't be built off one weekend's sparkle. I don't know though. I'd like to equate love to religion and if you want to trust and commit to someone, you just do it, damn the torpedoes. Faith as it's called. And it's so much more romantic that way, to fling yourself into the great beyond don't you think?

"I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times."
-Before Sunset-

Anyway, at the bottom of the article is a link to this new study these researchers are doing. It's called "The Media, Personality, and Well-Being Study." I guess they're looking for some link between your media consumption and your love life. Well, of course I'm gonna do that. Fifteen minutes later, I was still in the middle of the longest relationship questionnaire I've ever done. So many damn questions and all of them of the "strongly dis/agree" variety. And each one probably worthy of a good conversation.

So if you want to find out how you feel about romantic partners, try this thing out. It's like a relationship DDT with yourself. You don't have to sign up for the rest of the study either, or submit any information, despite the info page up front. Just take it so we can talk about it later. Here's some sample questions:

• I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me
• If your partner expresses disagreement with your ideas, s/he probably does not think highly of you
• I do not expect my partner to sense all my moods
• Sometimes romantic partners change their feelings about me for no apparent reason
• My desire to be very close sometimes scares people away
• I feel comfortable sharing my private thoughts and feelings with my partner
• Damages done early in a relationship probably cannot be reversed
• Misunderstandings between partners generally are due to inborn differences in psychological makeups of men and women
• One of the major causes of marital problems is that men and women have different emotional needs
• People who have a close relationship can sense each other's needs as if they could read each other's minds

Do you believe the saying, "Once a cheater always a cheater?" What if it's just one mistake? Does it matter how many times a person has cheated? Is it like killing someone. Do it once and it might be an accident. Do it twenty times and you're probably capable of continued killing? After all, the thinking is, "If someone's done it before, what prevents them from doing it again?"

It's about strength isn't it? If you're not strong enough to resist once, what kind of assurance can your partner have that you'll find the strength to resist next time? If there's one thing that's as certain as death and taxes, it's that the opportunity to cheat will always be there. Temptation is never far.

Askmen.com has helpfully compiled a top ten list of reasons to tell her you've cheated. It's not a bad list and covers the bases.

1. (1) So she hears it from you
2. (2) Because it's the right thing to do
3. (3) Because you want to make it work
4. (4) Because you care about her
5. (5) Because you don't want to make a second mistake
6. (6) Because it was a mistake
7. (7) So you can live without paranoia
8. (8) To regain the respect of your peers
9. (9) Because the guilt will drive you mad
10. (10) Because you can't count on your partner in crime

I've cheated before and my nature is to hide it and cover my ass. I mean, one of the bigger reasons that people feel compelled to tell their significant other is guilt (I think this should be higher up on the list). I don't have it. I don't often feel guilty about things and in this particular case, while I knew cheating would be horrible, I did it with a clear mind. And even if I wasn't clear of mind, I would never blame anything else or try to pawn off responsibility. That's just despicable.

Originally, I didn't break up with my girlfriend by announcing that I'd cheated on her. My reason for breaking up was that we weren't working out and that I was over the relationship. All true and for the most part, both of us could live with that answer. But later on that day, I told her about the cheating. My reasons? Basically I didn't want to have to hide it, from her, from other people, or to force the "partner in crime" to have to hide it either. That's not fair to anybody. I don't have a particular attachment to truth but in this case, it was necessary.

It crushed her, of course, this admission, and she was disconsolate and annihilated. She wouldn't even believe me at first, until I laid down when, where, and maybe why. We'd been together for roughly two years and we'd only ever been apart for a few week/ends. She thought it was maybe another girl, another weekend. She couldn't believe I'd actually done it. She blamed herself, and then blamed the other girl (still does). And she hated me. But this post isn't really about that.

For my part, in the aftermath of all this, I got a tattoo on my finger, and one of the reasons I chose that particular symbol was because it's a reminder of what I've done. I don't always explain that portion of it, of course. Usually I go with the others reasons I got such visible tattoo. But I know what it also means. Actually, I don't hide the cheating reason much. I have no reason to. I'm not ashamed that I've cheated. It's probably incredibly common -- not that it makes it right. I'm not proud of it obviously, but I also don't want to forget it. And more importantly, I don't want to be tempted to tell other people I get involved with that I've never cheated.

So that's what that tattoo is for.

"and to answer the 'are we still at odds' portion of the email. the quick answer is no. however, driving home was no joy. i tried to defend my miscommunication, but then i gave up. she gets real agitated when we talk about this stuff. i haven't known her long enough, or well enough, to understand why she gets the way she does when talking about such things. we were nominally okay but she didn't seem like she was having a great day. and then on tuesday, we were trying to discuss going to eat or not eat or something. and i was somewhat snippy and rude (for just one second, and one statement). she wasn't happy about that. but she coughed it down. and then i addressed it later. so far i think she's cried, or i've made her cry, a total of five or six times since sunday. then on wednesday she told me that she didnt want to hang out that night (we were all to go to a friend's for a pizza/grammy's thing) because she was in a funk, sad, and didn't know what to do.

of course, i had also said things to her like 'its really hard for me to care about someone, and it's been interesting to try.' i think she's wondering why i have to try to care, why someone doesn't just automatically care. anyway, i was for sure that once the decline happens, it's irreversible. and maybe it is. this could be much more detailed than you wanted to know. the end of the story is that we're not at odds really but there's much to discuss. and i'd also like to sweep the last week under the carpet, but i don't think i want to.

i've given a lot of thought to how much i distance myself from people, and not just in relationships. i can't figure out how or why. i think i seem like i'm pretty close and open to just about everyone, and i am, but on an almost superficial-ish level. and i'm finding out that during this so called relationship, that i'm so much more aware of my motivations and reactions to everything. like i'm so clear about everything.

do you want someone more or less sassy than you? assuming 'sassy' is a good way to describe yourself (which is not how i would describe you, but just humor me). would you constantly be trying to out-sass someone if you went out with someone who was sassier than you? basically i'm wondering if you'd want to be with someone who had less than, equal, or more personality than you (at least outwardly)."
-Feb 2006-

Oh love at first sight. It's so damn magical mythical isn't it? Can you tell I just came back from watching Twilight? All those long tortured stare downs between Edward and Bella. Goodness gracious. Part of you just wants to scream "Get it on!" but the other part of you wants to drag those delicious moments out forever.

Most everyone has had an experience like that in their past, when you just knew that you and someone special should get together. That's what usually happens to me. Not that I look at someone and feel like we are destined for each other, but within the first minutes of our interaction, I can pretty much already figure out if I like this person. I'm not a wishy washy type of liker. I just know. The most honest and dramatic instance of this was probably with my last ex. It certainly wasn't like we saw each other and fell in love but afterwards we both admitted to this instant chemistry that was different than just simple attraction.

From our first fleeting interactions to when she actually started hanging out with us/me, there was this clear and undeniable sense that we were definitely going down the path of romance. It's an addictive feeling. Embarking on those first few weeks (or hours) of hanging out and finding yourself falling in love -- if not actually in love in love -- and having every moment and spare thought directed toward the other person. That's what relationships are all about right? Wanting to be with someone so much that everything else fades into the distance? That's the magic of it anyway.

I'm a bit notorious for smothering the object of my affection with attention in the first few months. I lather up the attention, I present this incredibly fun and devoted side, and then I get the girl, thus portending a long gradual slide into inattention and problems. So that initial burst of enthusiasm, if you can call it that, never sustains itself. Not for lack of trying but something in my nature is always looking for that next big hit, the rush that can really only come about from having new people and relationships.

"Hey girl how you doing
Do you feel like talking?
Or do you need me to call you back
You from round what way and when's your birthday
Or what's your zodiac sign
Well I'm a Virgo so my sign's compatible
What you do for fun cause I don't drink or club
I just like to chill with somebody like you

Everything is cool when love is all brand new
Cause you're learning me and I'm learning you"
-Musiq Soulchild, Newness-

What I'm learning though, as reflection on a long string of failed relationships, is that the initial rush combined with attraction doesn't have to equate to relationship. In fact, I'm sort of deciding that being in the zone of just really admiring and loving that grey space is perhaps all I need. It keeps me on edge. Like the possibility of something happening, along with the safety of having nothing happen, might work out best for me. Looking at it that way, I'm faced with confusion about what a workable relationship is anymore.

I'd rather not repeat mistakes of the past but I find myself unable to get excited about dating someone without that rush. I mean, I fear that the pace I'm historically used to will lead to the exact same dead ends. I've been told that maybe the issue is that I need to be dating someone who can continually excite and stimulate me. Once that newness wears off, I need to be sure that the person I'm in a relationship with can continually makes things fresh. But that goes against everything I know and understand about relationships.

It seems to me like relationships are mostly about building and maintaining your own two person island. The trees go here, Thursdays go there, the moat is this deep and this wide, and the whole point of it is to be in familiar space. Relationships are about building a safe place and comfort. To step away from that paradigm is not only new territory but also something I don't really have a roadmap for.

Examples is what I need, I need examples of relationships that aren't insular by creation. Or maybe I just need to watch more Twilight.

You know what's one of the hard parts of having a significant other? Having to demystify what your relationships with opposite sex friends is all about. And to do it in a kid glove way. "It's totally nothing. Of course I can see how people think she's attractive. But no I'm just not attracted to her." Meanwhile you're strategically neglecting to mention the two months you spent pining away for her last year.

I know, I know. Relationships are all about honesty and openness. However, there's really no safer answer than: "She's just a friend." There's like this telekinetic shield surrounding that statement. Even if the person asking is suspicious, they know they'll have to use that same line at some point so they have to respect the truth (or half-truth) that goes along with it.

If they're going to probe harder than that, they better be prepared to defend themselves at another time. Possibly in the next three seconds. "What about Chuck? He's always touching you. Are you guys 'just friends?'" Sometimes when talking about this stuff, it feels like both parties are playing a particularly volatile game of Bomberman, trying to defuse shit as fast as they can.

When you're not dating someone, if the person asking you is someone you trust, you can usually give a pretty honest answer. "Oh she's super cool. We have this weird kind of vibe that I can't fully describe but yeah, I'm kind of attracted to her." You say shit like that to your significant other and you're liable to get the glare down. Maybe I'm short changing women too much -- or at least my experience with women.

I've heard of couples who willingly talk out loud about their interactions and attractions to other people but personally I've found that it's usually done with a disclaimer right afterwards. "But you're the one for me because..." If you don't say stuff like that, you're a total ass. Trust me, I know. My problem is I'm terrible at giving my girlfriends compliments. I'm tight-fisted with my words of affirmation when I'm dating somebody. (I could probably work on that actually.) However, when I talk about certain other people, I practically gush about how cool they are. To the point sometimes when my girlfriend asks, "Wait, why don't you just date HER?"

"I don't know" or "We're not compatible in that way" usually doesn't suffice. The truth is that sometimes I do know or I think we could be compatible in that way but you can't even say that stuff. I guess what bothers me is that once you lock into a relationship, it's like you have to suddenly act out this play where both of you pseudo-acknowledge that you're both each other's number one choices.

Which is, like, totally not true. Especially at our age. You don't go through all this time without acknowledging the idea that you can be attracted to multiple people (sometimes at the same time). I don't know who's still holding out for the One but it seems rarer and rarer nowadays. And it's not even about the cynics or the jaded people. Holding your hat in your hand waiting for the One seems like something to do in your twenties. In your thirties? Get real.

Of course the question then is why are the two of you dating each other? Aren't we supposed to be dating our number ones? Well, as we all know, it doesn't work like that. Timing, circumstance, distance, unrequited feelings, mistakes, auto-fails, any number of things get in the way of an actual relationship. If we were all trying to date our number ones then there would be a hell of a lot more single people around, right?

There is another paradigm to consider here. Perhaps it's healthiest to just spit out your real thoughts and feelings about the people in your life. Talk about your crushes, indulge in your wicked thoughts, stop tucking away parts of yourself that are important even if they're relationship taboo. It could possibly be liberating. Possibly.

While I may not quite be ready for all that, I am grasping onto the idea of how harmful it can be to constantly downplay my relationships with other people. See, I'm really just promoting jealousy instead of defusing it. You can't use the "she's just a friend" line every time and expect to get away with it. Eventually logic wins out and not everyone is "just a friend." It's misleading and somewhat immature to keep insisting on it, especially taken in concert with the idea that we're of the age when we all know it's hardly always the (whole) truth.

So I should change my tune. If I'm going to pine away for honesty, then I have to be honest, right?

My standard line is that most of the girls I've dated have somehow acquired jealousy issues once we're in a relationship. This is despite me specifically looking for traits that would indicate they wouldn't be jealous. Do they a lot of opposite sex friends? Check. Do they have a guy best friend (who isn't trying to sleep with them)? Check. Are they emotionally capable of handling a few grey area friendships? Check. All this ground work but it still always goes to shit. Hang on now, once a sucker, twice a sucker, three times or more maybe it's you! You meaning me.

Basically what I'm beginning to come to terms with is the idea that "It's me, not you(her)." And I'm starting to finally see all the little things I do that that create a culture of insecurity and jealousness. For awhile I was convinced it was them -- them meaning girls. I was pretty certain that all girls must be like this; despite rumors of a parallel universe of girls who aren't like "that."

While I'm sure that parallel universe exists, I've got no time to sit around waiting for it to find me. I have a hell of a lot of things I need to work on myself. That's why I'm trying to stay single for awhile. I'm trying to take ownership of how my personality shapes the awful parts of relationships I'm in. There must be something I do that pushes fear and instability into my relationships.

And when I find that something I will slap it around a little and then maybe give it a quick hug.

You know how people are constantly evaluating how far in life they've come versus the traditional idea of success, etc? Well, those things can pretty much be distilled down to five general categories. Career, family, relationships, friends, and miscellaneous. That last one is tricky because it could be totally different for everyone. Health, religion, general state of being, comparison to peers, whatever.

Basically what I'm going to do in my head is assign 0-2 point values to each of the five categories and see what a particular person's happiness/life rating would be out of ten. Oh, and maybe minus points would be allowed for, you know, big minuses.

So I'm currently at a nice even 5/10 on this scale. Career (1), Family (1), Relationships (0), Friends (2), Misc (1). After giving some thought on it this weekend and batting this matrix around a little, we found a few people who might rank a nifty 9/10 on here. Okay, maybe just one or two people. Plus we're on the outside looking in so it's hard to tell if someone is really happy or not.

But that's kind of the point of this exercise, it's all about being on the outside looking in. When people are like "Oh, so how's so-and-so doing?" They are generally asking about these five things. I believe that if you can score a 8/10 by the time you're forty or so, you can say you've succeeded in life. And then maintain and try to cope. Or you know, just get crazy and wild.

Some guy developed the Oxford Happiness Inventory which is supposed to measure psychological well-being. From Wikipedia it says, "This measures happiness as an aggregate of self-esteem, sense of purpose, social interest and kindness, sense of humor and aesthetic appreciation." I'm not sure what these things have to do with happiness in the traditional sense but they seem interesting. Apparently this has been critiqued because it lacks a "theoretical model of happiness."

I'd like to research this some more and find out what other models of happiness exist. Here's one called the Emotional Quality Model and something called A Model of Happiness.

Tin Man: I had a dream the other day where I was at a hockey game or something and an ex-girlfriend and her husband showed up.

The Wizard: They live in San Diego now, are you sure it didn't actually happen?

Tin: San Diego doesn't have a hockey team. It's totally impossible. It was definitely a dream.

Wiz: Incredible. Go on.

Tin: So what happens is that we greet each other like perfectly normal people and then we start talking. Actually the whole time I was just talking to him, for like half an hour. We've never even officially said "Hi" before. And then afterwards we all went outside and had to run away from blue and red colored knights. But I woke up feeling like we just had a really good meaningful interaction.

Wiz: I'm gonna guess here that maybe your brain is telling you that maybe you should meet up. Isn't that your take home lesson?

Tin: Well actually, I feel like that's probably not going to happen but at the same time it feels like we already did the whole meet and greet thing.

Wiz: This might sound stupid but what's actually preventing you from hanging out?

Tin: That's the mystery, although it's no mystery. The last time we actually had a real in person conversation was probably right before I walked out the door and didn't stick around to actually talk.

Wiz: That was like six or seven years ago.

Tin: It feels like yesterday.

Wiz: Everything feels like yesterday. Get over it.