Having failed spectacularly at pretty much every resolution I made in 2009 (the list was supposed to only encompass Jan-Mar too), I did at least one thing. I started podcasting. Hooray for me! It turns out I didn't even need a microphone because the built in mic from my laptop is pretty decent and with that and Garage Band, I'm able to just sit down with someone and start recording.

So for the past few weeks I've been dragging people into the studio with me (meaning any empty room) and making them talk to me. The idea is that it's just a slice of conversation from my life. Actually, that was the original idea. Now I'm working on being a better host, directing a conversation, sticking on topic, and basically making your fifteen or so minutes worthwhile.

The early episodes were a little rough -- but still amusing -- and I'm far from taking my podcast game to the heights it will soon be. However, it's been amazingly fun for me to do and I like it even as a historical account of conversations with friends. So yes, if you'd like to listen in and subscribe, the information is below.

So far I've covered some very fun topics and I'm hoping to get one a week up, which will be easy because I've already got another five or six in the chamber, so to speak. Next move is to figure out how to podcast with someone who's not directly in the room with me, so I can get episodes with friends from all over.

Podcast summary:
"You, Me, Us" is a podcast dedicated to talking with friends and people I know. The idea is to get interesting people to talk about something interesting for 15-20 minutes. Bear with me here, awesomeness is around the corner.

Main site: http://youmeus.posterous.com
Blog RSS: http://youmeus.posterous.com/rss.xml
iTunes link: here
You can also find it by searching for "You, Me, Us" in iTunes.

I took an informal poll of some of my guy friends and asked them if they share with other guy friends when they have a crush or am interested in somebody. So far my responses back are one "yes" and one "no." So entirely inconclusive. I know girls talk to girls about people they like, even in it's in the early "I saw this guy at the coffee shop!" stage. And I know that guys talk to girls about it. But do guy friends typically broach the subject to their guy friends? I dunno.

Awhile back, I was engaged in a conversation with a friend about how we're not necessarily as close emotionally as we could be because I don't tell him about girls. But to me, there's no reason to unless something's happening, it's happened, or you're caught. I don't typically turn to other people unless I'm in need of advice or venting, and I pretty much have those people already on speed dial. Everyone else just has to ask I guess, but I'm more of the don't tell unless asked camp.

Does this create an artificial barrier between friends though? Like if a friend is crushing on someone, would it better to know? I did have a friend who told me the other day that he thought someone we met was cute, and I guess that was his way of announcing his like to the world. (Because of course he knew I would then redistribute that information accordingly. I mean, I hope he knew.)

Then again, I love to know these itty bitty bits of gossip so I ask people all the time. So if you want to know, just ask I say. Then again, sometimes you ask and get a non-answer. Then you have to use your other sources and get the real truth out. That's the best. I know what you think I don't know.

We had a birthday dinner and party this weekend. It was excellent. George and I received Twitter mugs from Dann and they are fantastic. George has become an old lady in her dotage and can barely stay up till 3am anymore. I guess that's what happens when you pass thirty. Early nights in the Marina coming right up!

Things found out this weekend. Well, my super power for one, which I have to admit, I've maybe heard before. That's the next game I'm going to play with myself, or maybe with others. What super power does so-and-so possess? This was a long awaited event, Lynn's bachelorette party. It might be the first and only bachelorette party I'm going to attend so I had to treasure it.

I was pretty excited for everyone to come together and have a fantastic time and barring some hiccups here and there, it was really pretty marvelous. I mean, I'm ready to nitpick at just about anything (I can't even tell if I'm negative or just observant, maybe it's a matter of perspective) but just about everything you could hope for to happen during a long weekend happened.

Great group of people, check. Good logistics and planning, check. Lots of activities, check. Night of awesome dancing and drinking, check. Bonding time, check. DDT, check. Music and singing, check. And candlelight, check. Fabulous food, check. Video games, check. Board games, check. Something new, check. Pretty much the weekend was a huge rousing success and it will probably be carried on in memory for quite some time.

Even amongst the gripes, the debriefings, the dramas and mini-dramas, the thing that really sticks out to me is how often these amazing moments get to happen. I don't know if this is something that's normal or not normal, but I feel like we're all really blessed to have these huge great moments every few months.

I know it's presumptous to think that people don't necessarily always have this, but I'm not sure if everyone does after a certain point. And the fact that this can keep happening for whatever reason, is probably cause for celebration itself.

George suggested a great tie-breaker for our two team "Who knows Lynn better trivia game" and it consisted of chronologically ordering everyone in the room by who's known Lynn the longest. Semi-surprisingly, I met Lynn the earliest, like 1996, two weeks into freshman year. We were in the same big sib little sib family for the Chinese Cultural Association or whatnot. I don't think either of us remember each other really but I do know she was definitely on the list. I continued doing things with my "family" and she never showed up again

Our paths wouldn't really cross again until sophmore year, when Hong happened to be in her dance and then ended up stalking her for a few months. One of the ways he tried to woo her was by getting one of those twisty cap, sippy, plastic cups. You know what I'm talking about? They were really popular back then. So Hong got her a Little Mermaid one. I remember we had to go searching long and hard for that damn thing. And she still rejected him. Well, at least until next year. Persistence and Little Mermaid, that's apparently the ticket.

I didn't sleep much this weekend. From the time James and Steve got in at eleven-ish on Friday morning, I probably only got three or four hours a night. It felt invigorating, except for spells when I was all dizzy and couldn't see straight. But whenever there's excitement, it's like I can just keep staying up. How I can bottle this natural adrenaline push should be my next goal. I'm wondering at what point I'll just stop being able to pull a long stretch of days without much sleep. Will that signal maturedom and body breakdown?

It's actually something I never want to have to succumb to. I want to be able to pull all nighters at the drop of a hat. It makes me feel young.

Listening to: Matt the Electrician, "Little Hands." Ukelele and whistling? Whoever this Matt guy is, I can't get this song out of my head.

It's strange how distant the past can feel while at the same time looking over a few pictures, watching a few videos, or just talking about things long ago can bring it all flinging back. I wasted away an hour or two following YouTube link after YouTube link, watching old dance videos. And not even dance videos of people I spent time with on campus, but videos of people from a few years after I left Michigan.

We sometimes talk about how close certain people are to the other people "in the group," and it often seems like that number is very small. For some, out of the forty or so dancers who are considered "family," it's only a handful of people that could be defined as still really great friends now. That's different for individuals, of course, since some people are better at keeping in touch, some people built stronger bonds, some people have outgrown each other, what have you. But overall, there was something to all those hours spent together. And it's strange to think that you could have spent so much time with these people, to know so much about them, yet know nothing and feel incredibly distant.

If there's anything I've had to come to terms with as the years have gone by, it's the reality that friendships wax and wane, and that sometimes you can't/won't get back to any high points. My previously long held philosophy was that whatever high point you hit as friends, you maintain that and that is what resonates about your friendship. But as the years have truly created drift and tectonic shifts, I've become more accepting of the idea that sometimes a friendship is just meant for a certain time. It marked a period in your life, you take what you can out of it, and move along.

I don't think I like it, but it's how it is, right?

Here's my two favorite videos I cruised through. A 2xs and funKtion collaboration that features SF friends that we hang out with now, and a funKtion good bye video that has a hilarious behind the scenes part where everyone is imitating other people (2:40 mark). I wasn't even a part of these experiences but I felt nostalgic about them. Is that weird, to feel nostalgia and to smile at people I didn't even know then?

About a minute into the collabo video, they essentially do an updated version of a couples dance (to Kai's "Say You'll Stay") that we did in 2000. Somehow, four years later, there was the same song and dance being done by a completely separate group of people. Later on in that performance, the music goes out and everyone had to regroup and go again. That mirrored one of my favorite performances from the past, when our boombox shut down and we ended the routine by everyone singing the rest of the song because hell, we'd practiced so much to it that we all knew the words. I guess it's these similar experiences that tie people together?

Is that a strong bond, a weak bond, or just a fading bond? Kind of all three I guess.

The other night, three of us spent a warm night on the steps of Mission High School. It reminded me of what I liked best about summers in New York. The late nights, the hot but cooling off weather, the nothing to do but something to talk about. Sitting there on the giant stoop, watching cars go by, it was exactly like some of my favorite times at Michigan, where I sat with someone(s) on the stairs of Angell Hall, idly watching the street and talking, and waiting for the sun to rise. Those moments are harder to come by nowadays, and it's not exactly something you generally suggest to do. There are too many bars, clubs, restaurants, and places to go into. But none of those beat a simple set of stairs, do they?

I'm in San Diego, somewhat unexpectedly. A friend's mom passed away and we made plans to be home immediately. Earlier that same day, we had been forewarned a little bit and I was wondering if we would be going down. The other times I've had good friend's parents pass away, I've been too far away, either across the country or out of the country. In this instance, I was just a short flight away. That afternoon however, I still wasn't entirely sure what to do. I mean, what's protocol here? Is there such a thing as protocol in this situation? It felt very adult and slightly bizarre to think about what "should" be done. The consensus was that if you could go, you did, because everyone needs support in times like these, even if nobody is quite sure what that support might consist of.

I know when my dad died, everyone flocked into town and we were surrounded by people. My mom was already in China but we couldn't go yet because I had a problem with my passport and it would take about a week to expedite a new one. That week saved us, I think. Instead of going straight to China to face whatever happened, or would happen, we had a few days to hang out at a familiar place, with close friends, and to have life normalize. I recall the first hour or two when everyone gathered. We talked about what happened, and what we knew or didn't know, but mainly we just hung out. It started off semi-awkward but quickly became totally just like any other weekend. Which was great.

Later, George and I were both struck by how seemingly unemotional it all could be. Like you picture mentally that you'd be in shock, or want to not do anything but grieve, or that your mind would wander to sad mysterious places. None of those things happened. It felt almost wrong to laugh, even as you were laughing, even as your cheeks and stomach hurt so bad because you were cracking up so hard. And I think that's the strangest part of having someone pass away. The eighty percent of the time when everything is perfectly, absolutely, normal. Like a cannonball has dropped into your pond but no ripples occurred. And you stand there waiting for a tidal wave but somehow it doesn't happen.

On Friday night, we had one of the greatest times in recent San Diego memory. Late at night, as we sat around the living room munching on snacks and sipping on drinks, we laughed like crazy as we read old emails. Emails from five years ago, at the height of San Diego hanging out, when everyone was around and (almost) nobody had jobs. We often complain that San Diego is the Black Hole, that it remains unchanged even after all these years. But there's something to be said for familiarity. There's something to be said for having the perfect group of people around you to inject life's lowest moments with some of silliest. I don't think laughing replaces tears, not in the long or short run, but it never hurts does it?

As I wrote on the other blog, I found this Friend Web maker and have been fascinated by it all week. When I first started playing around with it, I found it cool but not altogether super impressive. But then I juiced up the numbers to include everyone I knew on Facebook and the results were a lot more interesting and expansive.

I was really astounded by how well social groups mapped out together. I mean, from one little piece of information -- "Are these two people friends?" -- the program can extrapolate and pull like friends together, and really show relationships and cliques. It basically ninety percent nailed my various social circles. From the core San Diego people, to the huge dance circle (and two tiers of them too), fellowship friends, Chinese school friends, high school friends, work friends, and even small circles like my cousins or last year's San Diego hang out group. And the one-offs were displayed with perfect accuracy.

I mean, none of this describes who your best friends are, or who you feel closest to, but it does highlight who are the important social ties in your life. I mean, generally speaking, your good friends tend to know other people in your life, as you introduce them to each other, and thus they become Facebook friends, and get tied together in the web. This is generally speaking of course. My "best" friends don't quite line up like this -- as I'd imagine many people's don't. I mapped out my five traditional best friend nominees and they are a little bit apart from the center, with one exception. And that too is in line with how my close friendships generally are. My best friends tend to be far removed from my actual social circle, whether through circumstance or choice.

I'm fascinated by this program and want to see everyone's friend webs and study them to see what they reveal and tell me about my friends' friends. After all, that's what so many of my conversations are about. Who are your friends, how did you meet them, who are you close to?

Here's a few lists:

Most friends in common
George (97), James (95), Amit (93), Leslie (88), Hong (85), Lynn (83), Victor (70), Steve (68), Eric A (65), Babbs (65)

Top connectors
George, James, Hong, Victor, Lynn, Amit, Leslie, Lilly, Louis, Nancy

No friends in common
Joyce, Liz, Katharine, Jill, Jen-Marie, Charlie, Minnie, Wilda, Irene K, Tamoy

Listening to: The Toys (as sung by the Supremes), "A Lover's Concerto." Man, this song's been on the tip of my tongue all weekend. I tried to Midomi it but couldn't get it to work. We could hum the classical song it was based on but couldn't find the remixed version. Then Chris magically found it for me. He also knew the words to the Flipper theme song. I mean, that's so random right? But oh so useful.

I watched "I Love You, Man" this past weekend and while the movie was no great shakes, it does bring up the question of how males meet other males. It's a problem I've always given quite a bit of thought to because I generally find it difficult to find good guy friends. In fact, when I do meet a guy that I think I can get along with really well, I tend to gush and develop man-crushes on them. I think they are the greatest people, I think they are the coolest people, and I love that they are a new addition to the boy side of the ledger.

Meeting new guys is not the problem. I mean, there are always random guys that could be available for acquaintance level activities. About eight weeks ago, I was playing basketball and met this guy who had gone to Eastern Michigan but hung out a lot on Umich's campus. We didn't know any of the same people but he seemed cool, he had an interesting job (car designer), he noted that it was hard to meet people in SD, and he was good at basketball. He gave me his email address and I remembered it all the way home, wrote it down, and then game planned to email him in a week's time.

The movie had a semi-funny scene where Paul Rudd gets all nervous and discombobulated while trying to call Jason Segel's character, his man date, for the very first time. He gets the answering machine and then stammers his way to a weirdo message. I don't think that really happens and it's clearly a parody but I have to say, when I emailed the basketball guy, I put just as much effort into the four line email as I would for meeting a new female friend. I wanted to come off as inquisitive, casual, and open to hanging out. Of course I had Googled him already so the background check turned up no red flags.

I considered what the best event would be to invite this near stranger to. Poker night with the boys? A night out at a club? Perhaps a quick meal? Maybe over to the house to watch some sports or play video games? Do we email a bit, chat on the phone, or maybe just Facebook each other before actually hanging out?

Well, I'll never know because the guy never emailed me back. After all the thought I put into it too.

The thing that sets off the events of the movie was Paul Rudd's lack of guy friends. He didn't have anyone for his side of the wedding party but more importantly, it was noted that maybe he would be too suffocating for his new wife if he didn't have friends of his own. I'm trying to figure out when this is the case in real life. Most every male I know has good guy friends, and yeah, it would be kind of weird if they didn't (Right?). The girl who has only guy friends is totally normal but guys who don't have any guy friends, even the semi-shallow boys will be boys type friends, that's definitely a bit of an eyebrow raiser.

So with that in mind, it's almost never a necessity to have more guys in your life. Thus, the bar has to be higher. For me, I have to really get along with someone in order to consider them guy friend worthy. It's much easier to just relegate guys to their little acquaintance boxes if they're just so-so. And there are a lot of things I can't generally stand with guys. That's a whole different post so I'll gloss over it here.

Over the past four years, I've met three new guy friends, people that I'd squarely consider good guy friends. Not necessarily best friends mind you, but just good friends. Like I could pick up the phone and be like "Hey, let's go hang out." Over the same amount of time, I'd say I've met three or four times that many new female friends.

Previous to that, an "explosion" of guy friends happened in 2003-2004 when I met six new guy friends. Half of those came in one package, as part of the newly constructed San Diego boys (Ameer, Gene, Ryan). The other half were all an extension of the San Diego boys in some form or another.

Before 2003-4, I always kind of gagged at the term "boys," because it seemed too cliche a label and I disliked it when people used "boys" in a sentence. Like "these are my boys." But now I've reconciled that and have no problem with the standard San Diego boys being termed "the boys." Plus, I'd never really been in an all male grouping like that so it became a bit of a novelty. That's even with the caveat that we always had a semi-equal number of girls as part of "the group."

I think part of the thing that makes it really difficult to find a great guy friend (not even necessarily as part of any established circle) is that the traits I look for aren't things guys will readily expose to one another. A visible sensibility, a lack of "I'm cool" facade, a willingness to not be totally guy-guy, and an appreciation of being vulnerable and silly. I think lots of guys potentially have all of these things, but rarely do they reveal them in one or two casual meetings.

So I look for little signs. Guys who unabashedly sing when a boy band song comes on. Someone who can hold a five minute conversation about something other than "Yo yo yo..." Someone who doesn't insist on commenting on every attractive female body part that comes into view. My ears perk up when "afraid" is used as part of his sentence (unless it's in the context of "I'm afraid I'm going to have to kick his ass.") Someone holding a pink and orange drink -- maybe to match my Tequila Sunrise.

It's all a lot harder than you'd think.

Listening to: Soul For Real, "Every Little Thing I Do." We brought it back to the old school this weekend. Cranking the hits, singing along to everything, making up lyrics and hitting the last word of each line loud because that's the one you definitely know is 100% correct.

The much anticipated Tahoe trip finally happened and it was fantastic. All around I'd give it a solid A for awesome, except for maybe the long drive back, which included not only sleet, snow, and rain, but me proving my manhood by successfully removing a stuck snow chain from the inside of Jon G's back tire. Wait, me proving my manhood is a good thing right? A+ weekend.

Apparently there was some speculation by our so called friends that between the two Jon's, we'd never make it home because we were not exactly the handiest of men. But my extra thin hands were perfect for reaching through the brakes and nabbing the dangling cord. Sometimes it's better to be a mouse than an elephant. So after a near miss of almost rear ending a Porsche Cayenne, and driving through a virtual snowstorm, Jon G and I not only made it back to the city safely but got in some great conversation time. Did you know he used to have blonde hair and an eyebrow piercing freshman year? I need some pictorial evidence before I can fully believe it.

Snowboarding itself is a terribly expensive pursuit. A weekend away, with lift tickets costing eighty dollars a day, renting a place to stay, and investing in equipment means kind of a lot of money. For my day and a half of boarding, the trip was like three hundred. If we all could surf or something, that would have been so much cheaper. But snowboarding has mass appeal and getting away for a weekend and holing up in a cabin is a classic getaway. The promise of a fire and good company ain't bad either.

I was pumped and hyperexcited the full day before, with my energy waxing and waning as I tried to keep expectations low but morale high. Awhile ago we decided to institute a "Every Man Left Behind" policy when snowboarding since nothing's worse than having to sit around waiting for less experienced boarders. It's the best when you can just ride, chair lift, ride, chair lift, non-stop. I've been pushing for my place on "Team A," the best riders of our group, knowing in my heart that I belonged. Some doubters felt I wouldn't be able to keep up with Team A standards. Whatever. Let's call these doubters "James," just for kicks.

While life isn't all about competition, a bit of healthy ranking and competition is always good, especially for sports. Going in, I knew James and Lynn were better than me. I was damn positive Dann was better (although the mystery of how good he was, and if he was better than James, was intriguing) but thought that maybe I'd be able to sneak my way into the fantastic four -- the perfect number for one shared chairlift. My boarding nemesis, Jimmy, couldn't make the trip so I figured I was due my spot on Team A.

Well, as it turned out, I'm only Team A if we expand the definition. I forgot how good Victor was. He's low to the ground, he's fast, and he's stylish. Better than me for sure. Heck, after Alex decided to unshackle himself from George after she got tired during Day One, I think he turned out to be better than me. Luckily I changed the definition of Team A to include six riders and it was universally agreed that I was capable of keeping up with the five of them. Dann might even have said that I was better than he thought, which means either he was highly doubtful beforehand or maybe slightly impressed afterwards. I'll accept a combination of both answers.

The weather on Saturday was gorgeously warm, fantastically bright, and overall a perfect boarding day. We all boarded as a group for most of the day and there was hardly any waiting at all, which was great. Team A and Team B were hardly separated by much even if I like to make a big deal about it. Sunday's weather was rainy and snowy but served as a nice contrast to the ideal conditions the day before. When you can't clearly see the snow, it sometimes frees you to ride truer. At least I feel that way.

The thing about snowboarding is that sometimes it's so cold and wet sitting on the chairlift that you want to just give up and stop. But then the fun run down refreshes you and gives you the strength to sit on that lift again. It's a constant push-pull of "I'm done" and "One more run!" Until your legs give out though, and you start falling for no reason. That's when you know to pull the plug and head inside for hot chocolate. Umm, hot chocolate.

Our cabin was surprisingly roomy. Three levels, two bedrooms, a loft with four singles including a bunk bed. It was a perfect sleepover setup. We had a food fest. I bought thirty six eggs but someone sneakily traded it out for only twenty four. Dann insisted we get all the ingredients for puppy chow, which turned out to be harder said than done. But damn that puppy chow was addictive. Victor brought up marinated Korean style pork chops and then proceeded to pump out perfect chop after perfect chop on the grill. James kicked in with buttery roasted vegetables, Jon G made the inspired decision to buy six chicken pot pies from Ikeda's, and we had a feast all night long.

And oh the alcohol. Lynn is a legend for her drinking ability and she just kept pouring and pouring shots. Jon G and Steve had a bet to see who could stay up until three AM. Steve passed out by ten. Jon G passed out an hour after. That's what happens when you start drinking so early. I had quite a few and felt amazing, not even a headache or flushed face to show for it, despite not having Pepcid AC around. I think it was the singing.

For a solid hour and a half, we cranked up the stereo and had a guys sing-a-long to Ne-yo, Shai, Usher, and you know, the jams and the hits! There might have been some dancing too. I wished all the people who couldn't make it this weekend had come, because singing at the top of our lungs and dancing in that little cabin in Tahoe rivaled any great night out in the city.

I could go on but I'll just let the pictures and the video speak for themselves. It was a near perfect weekend, only made imperfect by how short it was. Just one more run?!?

Over the past weekend, I was going through some old videos, mainly to show some select items to two friends. One of them was prominently involved in my college career so all the videos held old memories and significance for him too. The other friend in the room didn't share those times with us so she was mostly bored out of her mind. Still, I did manage to find a few things that involved her generation of college friends so it kind of worked out. We laughed and pointed out little details, even taking screenshots of one of the videos to send to another friend, who was wearing a sleeveless t-shirt tucked into his khaki pants during a dance performance. It's the kind of thing you didn't notice eight years ago but makes you laugh deliriously now.

The last time I dug through these boxes was almost exactly a year ago, and I still haven't gotten around to digitizing everything. After my friends left for their drive back up to Los Angeles, I sat around for another hour or two continuing to go through the tapes. It was weird to go back and pick up new things. I started noticing people in the videos that I hadn't realized were in there before. I mean, like, people I was obviously around back then but whom I didn't know as well as I do now. So I sat there studying the tapes with a fresh perspective. I tried to divine as much as I could while trying to gain a better understanding (just a little) of the interactions I was watching on-screen. I tried to reconstruct a little part of history. I tried to find some truth in those videos, as if they would reveal more in their five minute segments than anything I could be told in retrospect now.

I'm not sure if things work that way. But it's like reading about and imagining dinosaurs versus watching a video of them move and walk. It's the encyclopedia versus Jurassic Park. One seems more visceral and closer to the truth, even if neither truly are.

I wished I had more behind the scenes footage. I wish I had kept the camera on longer, even though it was probably annoying to have it lurking everywhere. One twenty minute segment in particular, taped after a dance practice, was amazing because it captured the group just hanging out afterwards. While this stuff usually makes me sad and nostalgic, this time around it made me feel like I was watching a funeral. Sure, I miss those times, but I also realized how some of the friendships have since severed or fallen apart.

As friendships fade, (de-)evolve, and stiffen over time, you tend to forget the amazing times you had. There's a sharp bittersweet moment watching certain people on-screen that makes you think, "Shit, we were like pretty close. Like really close. And here's the evidence." And you wonder if watching that footage would bring forth the same feelings in the other person.

Then there's the flip side. I've been digging through some old pictures Michelle has lying around. I realized that pictures are capable of telling so many half-truths and mostly-lies. Two people look like best friends because they are smiling and hugging each other fiercely. In truth, you know they were never that close. But if that was the only snapshot you saw, you could easily imagine them being friends for life. Pictures seem to capture way too little information in these cases. The conclusions you jump to were way too easily manipulated and constructed.

I wonder, if you had a lot of footage of your past, if you could also construct things as easily as with pictures. Or would the nature of video illuminate too much?

I told Babbs a few years ago that I'd like to be a historian. But just a personal historian and a historian to the lives of my friends and family. I could dwell on and unravel the past all day long. I'd happily wade through forty minutes of boring ass video waiting for three seconds of a magical moment. But that seems to be a significant waste of time when the future is just waiting around the corner. Doesn't it?

Watching/Listening to: Busta Rhymes, Don't Touch Me (Throw Da Water On'Em). Goddam this song is catchy. In my other, more coordinated, life I'm dancing to this song all day long. Kind of like these guys (that linked video is the best one by far). These videos are so last year but still super fun. Miley and Mandy won the final live battle despite having an inferior dance crew but that's the power of the teenage vote.

I just booked a ticket to Raleigh for next week. What's in North Carolina you ask? Nothing really. I mean, nothing that I know of. But sometimes when you get the call, you have to go. Okay, one of my best friends is in Raleigh and she's going through some sort of pre-wedding panic attack -- the wedding is nine months off -- so she dug deep and practically begged me to go. "Practically" being the key word there. There was no begging, none whatsoever.

At first I was totally resistant but then I slept on it and I woke up thinking, "Man, I totally should go, it'll be an enduring sign of our friendship!" Plus I didn't have any real reason to decline. I have the time, I have the money, I've been wanting to get out of SD, and I've never visited her. Ever. I mean, if I'm going to try to be a better friend to people this year (it's a resolution), then going to visit them is step one right?

It's rare that I take the time and money to go visit one individual friend. I've done it maybe once or twice. Usually money is tight so I'd rather spend the plane fare on a trip that allows me to see lots of people. I mean, it's pricey to pay $300-400 to see one person but if you see ten friends then it's only $30-40 a head right? This is how my social math works. It's a bit fucked up. I mean, if you're best friends with someone, you should be willing to fly to go see them and only them. But the dirty, and totally obvious, secret of my social life is that there's power in numbers. I'm a sucker for gatherings.

So I'll be off next week to play the invisible bridesmaid. I'll be picking out wedding invitations, hopefully going over some color schemes, and generally just doing wedding prep. I hope to take a look at the Duke campus since that was one of my top school choices at the time. I'd like to give them a piece of my mind about that rejection letter. UNC Chapel Hill was one of my safety schools too for some reason or other. Michael Jordan? It was easy to get in?

I've suffered from some serious on-and-off friendship karma in this relationship so this will be really good. Chalk one up in the good friend column. I'll also be swinging through DC to check in on our new president -- and a few friends, I couldn't resist. I couldn't fully commit to North Carolina without knowing that there would be an option of seeing more people. I mean, an old dog can learn new tricks but not that fast right?

What happens when I hang out with Lynn after not seeing her for awhile is that we sit around and do life updates, but for other people. "How's so and so doing? Did you hear about such and such?" It's not gossiping as much as it is catching up because we have a very overlapped group of friends and we both like to soak in information. Only after an hour or so of figuring out the status of everyone around us do we finally settle in, breathe, and talk about our own lives. That's pretty much the pattern and I don't know how it developed but we rarely stray from it.

I spent most of the weekend on Lynn's couch in-between LA events. We pre-post-celebrated Steve's birthday on Friday by having a champagne, cheese, and crackers night at Megan's apartment. I don't know where Megan gets her ideas but once she sets her mind on an activity that needs to happen, she basically just keeps saying (or doing) it until it actually happens. It's like being bullied into something, but in a nice way. So it was that we found shots of jager and tall glasses of Red Bull magically appear before us, even as we settled in for a quiet night. Jager bombs are Megan's thing, everyone knows this.

I thought we were headed for a night of Rock Band 2 or Lips -- which Megan basically guilt tripped Steve into buying on his way up from Palos Verdes before realizing that it cost $60 and so might need to stay unopened -- but instead we had a Cranium face off. First it was boys versus girls. Then it was strings versus woodwinds (Lynn and Steve play violin, Megan and I play the clarinet and flute respectively). The final round was old versus young. I didn't realize you could play Cranium with just four people but this was a new Cranium, Cranium Pop 5, which strips away all the stupid rules and launches you straight into the fun activities.

I think people believe alcohol makes board games more fun but what I think is that having alcohol around gives people the impression that playing a board game is semi-cool and can qualify as a night's activity. I know Ameer would disagree here because he's anti-board game all the time but I would like to think he's an exception. Apparently it just sounds better when you can say, "Yeah, we had some drinks and played a few board games." That seems more adult and not as childish/lame as just saying "We played board games." I'd say playing board games is more fun than going out nine times out of ten but people don't usually agree with me -- thus the need to spice up games with alcohol. Whatever, I'll host a damn kegger if that gets everyone to play games with me.

Anyway, we had a fantastic night in and I left behind two new friends for Megan. Or North Pole Pals to be specific. Look at these damn things. Aren't they the cutest things ever? How could you not want to own them? I don't understand why holiday candy is discounted so quickly -- isn't the chocolate still the same? -- but I snatched these guys up for a dollar each. I kind of wanted to eat them but they deserve to live just a little while longer don't you think?

Somewhere in that night's conversation, Lynn introduced me to her habit of emailing a select group of friends to keep them updated on her life. I was excited to open my ears to this idea. It had never occurred to me to actually contact and communicate with my five best friends, to email them as a group so they would not only know who each other were but also be kept in the loop about things. For someone who puts a lot of stock into his top five, this was a revelation. I figured if anyone was actually interested in my life, they could just ask, or find out stuff online, so I had never considered giving them semi-personalized updates and important info.

Our friendship theories are also pretty different I guess. Actively communicating with your close friends and keeping them in the loop hasn't exactly been my cup of tea. I tend to wait for information to disseminate by itself. But for Lynn, it seems like her top friends are the ones who know the most about what's going on in a given situation. They also serve as support and counsel. I use my friends as support and counsel too but it sort of comes and goes and falls mainly on who's around. I'm going to have to consider taking a more proactive approach to close friendships.

Near the end of 2008, another friend sent a combined email to her top five just generally thanking them and appreciating them. It was incredibly great and I thought about doing the same thing for people I cared about. I've found a fault of mine is that I generally just assume people know how much they mean to me but then I rarely actually say it, or do anything that would let them think it, etc. I will resolute to do better, as I take the month of January to create some resolutions for the rest of the year.

Friend appreciation, write that one down.

I headed off to LA at six hoping that my cruising speed would be slow enough so traffic wouldn't bother me much. How right I was. Since I drive so damn slow, by the time I hit the congestion areas in Irvine and beyond, much of the traffic had already died down and I arrived in Rowland Heights five minutes before eight, exactly on schedule for a reunion dinner with my "kids."

It's been a whole year since I've seen everyone convened in one spot. Actually it's been a whole year since I've seen any of them save Raymond, who periodically came down to San Diego to hang out, play guitar with James, and generally bum about with me. I miss them, the whole group, with all the little stories, jokes, and routines that would occur, the types of things that can't be replicated without the drudgery of office life to push things along. It wasn't drudgery for me, of course, because it was fun, and they were an awesome and mostly industrious group.

I can't imagine working in an office again, especially without a group of people that I like and get along with. I know I'm going to have to return to an office at some point but the last experience was so good, working with friends old and new, that it's probably the best it's ever going to get. Plus, when will I ever get to manage again? I mean, my management style was more summer camp counselor than anything else but I'd like to think we got what we needed to get done. Would that look good on a resume? "We got what we needed to get done, mostly."

My theory on managing people is that if you treat them well they'll want to do good work for you. I know that seems a bit optimistic, and that leaves you prone to being taken advantage of, but the alternative is to be a hard ass and that's no fun. I guess I've just been around a lot of shitty managers in my short stints of real work. Managers who either had no clue what was going on, managers who didn't know how to delegate, train, or motivate, and managers who just generally seemed incredibly incompetent. The qualities that I'd look for in a good manager are surprisingly hard to find and it's a wonder how so many middle aged idiots are in positions of power. I mean, not that I'd complain if I soon became one of these idiots but seriously, why are they managing anything?

It would be nice to be given the chance again to manage something. Many of my friends and peers are now managers, supervisors, heads of departments, and I'd love to be able to see them at work. It would be so interesting to compare their normal selves with their work selves. Would evaluating them through the lens of a job make me see them differently? Undoubtedly right?

Working at Omnis, Vy and I could fight like cats and dogs but outside of work we got along famously. It's such a weird thing to think that you'd clash in one area while getting along superbly in all other respects. It makes me want to take the business challenge with all of my friends. Would we end up hating each other? Would we lose or gain respect for our way of doing things? I feel like it could be quite the revelation.

The majority of P-Unit (processing unit) is now finishing up school, and have either moved on to other jobs or are planning to step out into the post-collegiate world. For some of them, Omnis was their first office type job. I wonder how they'll look back on that experience after a few years sludging around. I always told the kids that real work was nothing like this. You don't get to mingle with a hundred other people your age, it's not like a big social thing. Real work sucks man, so enjoy this little island of youth while you can. But I'm sure they didn't believe me. I wouldn't have believed me if I was them.

During the time I was finishing up the first draft of the book, I was at Omnis and ended up using a few names, character traits, and fashion styles of the kids I was working with. Unfortunately, some of the side characters and details got changed but even thinking about the world I was enveloped in at the time, between the writing and the job, brings a smile to my face as I recall carefully studying people's outfits, mannerisms, and general attitudes and little sayings. It was a fucking good time.

Listening to: Kimya Dawson, "Tire Swing."

What to make of 2008? I can't say it's been a hard year but to be honest, it's been a hard year. If 2006 was the year of discovery, 2007 the year of recovery, then 2008 is the year of, well, something that rhymes with -covery. Whatever. I'm not even going to begin to complain because I haven't had a job for one day this year and the next time that'll happen will probably be awhile. Have I used all that free time wisely? Certainly not, but it hasn't been totally unproductive.

I've been going over past pictures, blogs, and journal entries in an effort to encapsulate what 2008 was about. For the most part, it felt disjointed, like big momentous things happened but then sped by to be replaced by long lulls where I sat home and itched for action. Let's just start with the stats of it all.

Best movies: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Iron Man, Planet B-Boy
Best books: The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay (M.Chabon), Love is a Mix Tape (R.Sheffield), How to be Alone (J.Franzen)
New friends made: Six
Contact lens prescription: -5.00 (left) and -4.75 (right), both increased slightly
Car odometer reads: 206,632 miles
Money wasted on online dating sites: $34.99
Web addresses bought: Two (jonwow.com and exclusivelychloe.com)
Twitter updates: 459
First five picks, fantasy basketball: C. Paul, A. Jefferson, C. Billups, A. Jamison, C. Anthony (currently number one)
First five picks, fantasy football: S. Jackson, L. Fitzgerald, M. Colston, R. Bush, J. Cutler (ended season in third place)
Buy a copy of EC (May 2009) and I earn: $0.40
Tagged photos of me on Facebook: 145
People kissed: Four
Music on repeat: Adele, Shortbus soundtrack, Girl Talk
Days I've been 30 years old: 122
MVL stock bought / sold: $30.25 (May) / $32.81 (Sep)
Money made from MVL stock: +$230.40
Colored iPhone apps: 18 blue, 8 red, 7 green, 15 orange/tan, 8 purple, 4 steel/neutral
Lowest Brain Tuner time: 15.62 seconds
Moblog entries: 293 (73 in August)
Blog entries: 63 hyperwest, 109 jonyangorg, 30 next thursday
Journal entries: 79
Movies seen in theaters: 37 (10 A, 12 B, 11 C, 4 D)
iTunes: 25,049 songs, 106.2 days, 123.84 gigs
Haribo gummy bears consumed: Infinity plus a handful

I collected approximately nine months worth of unemployment -- originally only six months, but George W. was kind enough to sign an extension during the summer. That allowed me to not only increase my savings but combined with living rent free at home all year, I didn't think about money once. Actually, I thought about it a lot but only how to use it. Would I buy new clothes, could I take more trips, should I buy trinkets? In the end, I didn't exactly splurge on anything, in an effort to conserve money for when unemployment ends, but I didn't penny pinch either. It was fun. For so long I've lived with the specter of having no money, or having to borrow, that I really enjoyed not even blinking at paying for things, or paying for other people's things. It's nice to buy people stuff, even if it's just a drink or dinner.

Unemployment ends in a week or so. My job hunt begins soon and barring a miracle, I'll be back at some terrible entry level job I hate. The trade off will (hopefully) be that I'm out of San Diego and moved up to somewhere like San Francisco. I dread the prospect of returning to a job but I won't even bitch about it because everyone else is dealing with real adult things like layoffs and keeping their jobs while still juggling bills. I have no job sure, but I also have no bills. And yes, I'm thirty.

As for writing, I've begun to become comfortable saying that I'm a writer. Until I could see the finish line for this book, I wasn't willing to say "writer" to describe myself unless pressed. Now, with it finished and completed, I'm willing to say, "I'm a writer," when someone asks what I do. I still feel like a sham about it but you are what you say you are. Unless you aren't. Either way, one of my goals for 2008, to actually try and start freelancing, failed miserably. I haven't technically had any writing responsibilities since July or so but I never got my act together to even try submitting articles, queries, or anything of the like. That goal will have to rollover I guess, like my minutes.

I attended four weddings this year (Stacey, PZ/Amy, Tien, Susan). I was not a bridesmaid for any of them, despite the release of Made of Honor in 2008 -- which I never saw, perhaps my fatal mistake. I guess that life goal will remain unchecked. My list of potential female friends who might even consider me to be bridesmaid status is quickly getting pared down though. So far nobody's been woman enough to shake things up and throw a great guy friend up there. C'mon people, someone be original. I'm running out of time! I've got a few dear friends planning weddings for next year so I'm keeping hope alive. I'm a size six and I look good in white (t-shirts).

The amazingly hopeful beginning of the year, filled with plans to travel to Southeast Asia with my fellow Dirty Thirty club members (James, Lynn, George) fell through. My grand plan to move to New York for the summer? Also fell through. The end of the year finds me where I swore I wouldn't be at the beginning; back at home, slumming in San Diego. Basically I'm all talk. I didn't move anywhere. No Hawaii, no overseas, no big international trips. I did manage to spend August in New York, make four separate trips to San Francisco, and a side trip to Washington DC. I could rally and go somewhere in January but that might cost me a month or two of rent when I move. Rent, trip, or new laptop? No brainer: laptop. Real brainer: rent. Not coming soon to an airport near you: me.

I guess it's okay though because now 2009 can start fresh and alive. "Hope" you know? On the very last day of 2008, the people I've called or talked to tonight to wish Happy New Year and such, the people whom I'm in constant daily contact with, are an entirely different group than a year ago. In fact, it feels a little bit like my close friend circle has changed. The old stalwarts, the people who've long dominated my late night, daily, and random but strangely consistent phone calls have all changed in the span of twelve months. This might not seem like much to you but for me, the bedrock of my general happiness and mini-socialness lies in these phone calls/texts/emails. So to have the whole bunch switch over has been really interesting.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I realized this had happened, when I'd fully replaced my habitual almost daily phone call person with someone new, that I saw the changes for what they were. The people I interact with, talk to, or know what's going on the most, are mostly people I didn't even know (or barely knew) last year. I'm not sure what that means exactly except that people move on, habits change, and my list of frequently dialed numbers has been altered for better or for worse.

On a sidenote, I'm currently working on a personalized friendship roles thingy based on this NBA Archetypes Hierarchy. More on that when it's done. I'm excited about it because I'm a retard and I get psyched about this stuff.

Part of what has made this year seem so topsy turvy is that matters of the heart have taken me far afield and into places I'd never expected. Technically speaking, I've been single for about a year and a half. As I navigate a continued friendship with my ex, I'd resolved to stay single for as long as possible to avoid hurting others (and myself I guess). Well that didn't exactly work out.

In the middle of the year, two really close friends and I got into this big old messy situation where we basically played two boys, one girl. As you can imagine, it was an awkward and emotionally wrenching couple of weeks. Not only was I facing the prospect of feeling alienated from my absolute best friend, it was also tied into complications and a new definition of friendship with my other friend. We sought solutions other than the obvious one of backing off, or having her choose, but in the end, I kind of just decided that I couldn't do it. Three way, open way, no way. I stepped out of the situation and to be honest, the awkwardness and emptiness of it all hasn't evaporated yet. C'est la vie.

I was either not brave enough or not crazy enough. Take your pick.

What I've learned (not necessarily from this situation), or hope to learn, is that it's not necessary that every time there is mutual attraction, there has to be a jump to hyper speed and a relationship. That's not an easy lesson to let sink in after years of indoctrination in the "date for marriage" school of thought. If anything, I'm incredibly fearful that I only know how to react to romance seriously, instead of lightly or from a "let's see what happens" approach. It'll be a nice lesson to explore and learn because I freaking suck at serious romance.

I tried to stay attachment free heading into 2009 (and flippantly I always said 2010) but in the end, I kind of failed. But happily. I'm sort of, kind of, definitely dating someone now and while that's an entirely scary thought with my horrendous track record, it is exciting and hopefully results in only the best. I think I learned quite a bit from my last attempt at a relationship and those lessons will ideally carry over into the new year, and into this new thing. "Keeping it real," as a friend of mine always wisely says. Wish me luck.

I guess that about covers it. 2008 in a nutshell. I'll end this with five great times, in chronological order.

(1) Going to the Super Bowl in Arizona with James, as an indentured servant for Okapix.
(2) The Celtics win their 17th championship. I misplace a $1500 winning ticket. Whoops.
(3) PZ and Amy's Wedding and the New York trip in general. Seeing Amit every day for like a month.
(4) Re-meeting my cousins, Cleo and Tiana, after seven years. They're totally grown up now and super fun and amazing.
(5) All the San Francisco trips, complete with oyster shucking, mash up parties, Little Mermaid sing-a-longs, 30th birthday celebrations, and Stevie Wonder-full.

It was a dark and stormy night. Well, day. On my first full day back, I mustered up some motivation and headed out into the rain, driving an hour all the way down to Chula Vista. Amanda's holed up there because it's easier for her to recover from her recent back surgery in relative peace and quiet at her grandmother's. I hadn't talked to her at all over the busy weekend and the rhythm of knowing what was going on had momentarily slipped away.

We drove around doing her errands for a bit, which mainly consisted of trying to find hair styling supplies. The beauty supply store was so serious. A giant double sided row of brushes, insane amounts of hair dye all stripped of their packaging and offered up in "Don't buy this unless you know how to use it already" bottles. I could go on but overall I was just staggered by the sheer number of options. Girls do not have it easy do they? What the hell isn't ionized or tourmalined or whatever? It doesn't help when the saleslady clearly didn't know as much as Amanda. I guess the experience is like taking a (typical) guy into Fry's or Home Depot. Everything looks similar and offers the same options but there's a world of difference if you know what you're looking at. On a sidenote, is there a comprehensive site that offers reviews of womens' products similar to how electronics and gadgets are reviewed? Is this already done or is this possibly a business idea?

And let me just tell you that looking into a 10x mirror is frightening. Who'd ever want to subject themselves to that daily? Ew.

During dinner, twin spaghetti's at Macaroni Grill, we read each other's tarot cards. We both have the exact same Albano-Waite decks, hers are older and more well worn than mine -- even if I insist that I've been taroting longer. Her cards are wrapped lovingly in a scarf from Japan. Mine sit in my trunk along with all my other gaming supplies. Other items in this cardboard box include electronic Catchphrase, a bag of Squabble tiles, a chess clock, two decks of cards, and a lipstick holder containing various dice. I won't even go into what those dice are used for. You either know or you don't.

I was recently at a museum where they had some old tarot cards exhibited and I finally learned about the artist behind the iconic Rider-Waite designs. Pamela Colman Smith was her name. Good trivia fact.

Spreading the Amanda shuffled cards out on the table, I took careful notes of which cards were displayed and then used a tarot book to jot down notes on the individual meanings. I know and like tarot but I've never been able to commit the symbolisms and significances to memory. My divination process involves lots of time and scribbling short hand on paper. It's not very mystical but I assure you it's very accurate.

There's a moment in every fortune telling when you see the story you can spin. I love that moment. Sure it's usually pretty generic, sure it's mostly contrived, but there is actually a sense and a meaning there. What I suck at is arriving at this sense and meaning without showing all the cogs and pulleys behind the process. My inner wizard doesn't even bother with the facade or hide behind smoke and mirrors. I tell it like it is and just stitch a few interpretations together. Amanda was much better at reading, not to mention quicker. She laid the cards out in the cross formation and began revealing my future immediately. No twenty minute period of page flipping or note taking. She had to refer to the book once in awhile but the story she told was compelling, semi-detailed, and would have me convinced. My story telling was a lot less specific and magical even if it was undoubtedly true. Her style was certainly better but I'm still positive my third eye is stronger than hers.

I asked about my writing career and the upcoming release of the book. She asked about her love life. We both have good things coming around the corner apparently, mine in mysterious form and hers through a letter or email. Can't wait to prove that I'm right.

"this other friend, i painted glow in the dark shapes on her black, steel toed, doc marten boots. a half moon on one boot. three stars on the other. four years later, the moon and the stars were still there. we hugged whenever we saw each other on campus and passed along our phone numbers as a yearly ritual. but we never once got together to talk. and now, our friendship has waned and i don't know what she does. or where she is. or what we used to talk about. or anything. but she gave me ani."
-April 2002-

Walking down the street the other day, just one block away from George's apartment, I ran into an old friend from college. Even though we were quite a distance apart, she recognized me while I kept staring at her in shocked, slowly dawning, recognition. As we approached, I heard her say to her companion, "We went to college together." Immediately, I grasped for memories about her and feared that I would say something totally weird. Mainly I was just so excited to see her, it's been nearly ten years, and she was one of those friends from college that I thought I'd lost forever. In the age of social networking sites, I guess it's not that uncommon to find long lost friends anymore but to actually see them just randomly standing on a street, it's overwhelming.

We didn't have much time to talk, aside from a few flubbered "Why are you here? How long? What are you up to?" before she and her husband had to catch the bus. For the next few minutes I was still totally out of it, as the memories dredged up washed over me and I reminisced about how important she was to my early freshman year experience. It's a feeling impossible (for me) to describe and I couldn't help wondering if we'd get to actually meet up and talk at some point.

There was a moment in there where I was so afraid that she had forgotten me, or forgotten my name, or something like that, and if she had stumbled introducing me, I might have been crushed. Instead, later in the day, she Facebooked me and now we're reconnected forever. I'm hoping to meet up with her when I get back and catch up then.

It's incredible when you think about the odds of such a thing happening. One friend, one corner, one bus to catch. If I wasn't headed to KFC at that very moment, I would have missed it all. The odds are incomprehensible but things like this happen so often (relatively) that everyone has stories like this. That's why sometimes I'm out and about and I swear I'm going to see someone I know, or I hope to see someone I'm missing.

In this case, I was thinking in my head, "Wow, I wonder if we'll see anyone we know right now." For kind of different reasons, true, but it's still somewhat magical and fate-like.

Also, I discovered that this long lost friend has the most awesome tattoo. Look at it, isn't it beautiful and original?

Over dinner with a friend I haven't seen in over a year, a period in which he had picked up and moved to Shanghai, leaving behind his apartment and long term girlfriend (they're doing the long distance thing), it occurred to me that he had done exactly what a large part of me wants/needs. He left a comfortable environment and challenged himself by going to a place where he knew no one and had no safety net. He did move overseas for a job but even then, it took some time to acclimate himself, to force the issue of being social among strangers, and in the process, he grew and spread his wings. Even from something as little as learning to eat by himself, he found strength and courage he never knew he had -- or lacked.

After I revealed how his experience made me jealous and slightly in awe, he encouraged me to move out of the country too, to pack my bags and go somewhere with no friend or life foundation in place. But I'm afraid of it. Despite having no attachments or monetary worries at the moment, I'm afraid of leaving. I don't do well by myself, and given the choice, I'm more likely to hole up in an apartment looking for Internet than wander out to explore a city.

But it's exactly because I'm afraid that I need to do something like this. As they years skip by, I'm running out of opportunities to expand my horizons, to challenge myself (socially and in life), and to take a leap of faith. Even if getting terribly lost, kicking up dirt, and not having a nearby support system could prove to be catastrophic, it's all low risk and high reward. It's called self reliance and I don't have it, and the last time I arguably had to challenge myself in this way, I utterly failed.

This friend is also embarking on an interesting business idea that combines extreme teamwork, meticulous preparation, far reaching goals, some venturing into the unknown, and preys on the "no cost is too high" attitude of parents concerning their overachieving kids and their chance for getting into the best colleges. Of the many random business ideas I've heard, this is the most personally engaging one, and one of the few that doesn't involve the Internet. I hope it works out for them.

As is wont to happen when a couple of guys get together at a bar, the talk turned to women. We ran through the usual debates and comments -- rehashing them because this wasn't a familiar guy grouping, at least to me. "Which city has the hotter girls?" "What do you look for in a girl?" That kind of thing. With a five to one single to taken ratio, we had a lot of opinions but not a lot of options.

The conversation turned to what particular traits about women intimidated us. Intelligence, money, age, experience? I said that a girl's cool factor could definitely intimidate me, especially in relation to this one girl from college, whom I've (rightly) dubbed "the coolest girl/person ever." She's seriously the only person I consciously just felt nervous about talking to and years later, I still feel the residual nervousness of those (non-)interactions.

Someone else said that beauty intimidated them. Like he would be very self conscious around a really attractive woman. In his mind he could picture the future and how it would be to fend off other pursuers. Then we reminded him that this wouldn't be in terms of a relationship, but just in the getting to know you stage. Even worse he said. He'd be even more aware of the "Who is that douchebag with the hot chick?" comments.

One of the guys, someone I don't know very well, said that he couldn't date someone smarter than him. We made the obligatory "Everyone is smarter than you" jokes but then dug a little deeper. What do you mean by intelligence and how much smarter would she have to be? Would being say, a lawyer or engineer, qualify her as too smart? The flippant reply was that she could be smart but not smart enough to realize that she should be dating better than him. Which was the perfect humorous answer but also probably a little bit true.

Another guy then brought up how he'd feel intimidated by a girl who was more worldly or cultured. Like if they'd been around and seen a lot of the world or experienced more of life. That would make him less sure of himself. It was interesting to see what people answered, even if it was just bar talk and not necessarily anything to be taken seriously.

The conversation wrapped up and we headed out.

It didn't pass me by that we were off to meet two successful girl friends for dinner. One is a lawyer and recently moved into the city. She's expecting her bar results this Friday. Her firm has had only one person fail in the past four years. That's apparently insane because the passage rate for the California bar is only 40%. It goes without saying that she's working for a top firm. Our other female dinner companion has been steadily working on her grad school applications for awhile now, fitting that task around her day job helping a Nobel winner with his research. Of the other two girls who'd normally be accompanying us for dinner, one was a law student and the other was more highly paid than any male there. By a long shot.

We're no dummies but it seems like we tend to know, as a general rule, women who are more accomplished than us on most levels. Money, intelligence, (looks), skills, coolness, culture, and any and all of everything we'd just talked about. So what did we have going for us? Well, we were men. And um, men rule?

All I can say is thank god for electronics that break and things that need to be moved or hung up occasionally.

Listening to: Bonnie "Prince" Billy, covering R.Kelly's "World's Greatest."

Tonight I spent time in the company of two close friends, but in such incredibly different ways. The first one was just a brief dinner, downtown with her, her friend, and her boyfriend. We ate pizza, drank wine, admired his cat's climbing abilities, and generally talked about Halloween and the Midwest. This particular friend represents a very important person in my life but at the same time, I have a hard time sometimes gauging exactly when/how we're close. There are things I'd inconvenience myself to do for this friend that I'd rarely do for others but a lot of that has to do with the fact that I've just decided I want to be this way for her. Like somewhere along the way in our friendship I've decided that I'd just be this person, ready and willing to say "Yes" to anything.

Now, does that mean that our friendship would falter if I wasn't like this? I don't know. Does it seem to go against tenets I've set up around my other friendships? Sort of. Truth to tell, oftentimes we're as much out of touch with each other's lives as acquaintances and there are times when it feels we are that exactly distant. From the outside looking in, I think other people would hardly know that we were friends, much less close ones. Only after repeated verbal and life affirmation would this fact be clear.

There's quite a bit of history to our friendship, much of it forged years ago and that's something that's always stood very prominently in my mind. And in a way, it gives me this foundation to unquestioningly depend and revel in this friendship, even when it seems like there are hardly any things to say at times.

The rest of my night was spent walking Coronado beach, with feet bare and frozen by the cold sand, and eventually settling on a life guard tower to smoke and talk. It's been a difficult time with this friend, my declared best friend, and we haven't seen or talked much to each other recently. In contrast to my experience earlier that night, there was a lot to say, and a lot of situational comfortability, but also this pervasive sense of not really knowing what we could and wanted to talk about.

I'd forgotten recently that the beach had always been our place. Dating back to high school, our typical hang out would consist of me picking her up, grabbing some coffee and cigarettes, and then heading to the nearby beach to catch up. The rhythm of our friendship was consistent for many years. No shared friendships, no cross-over lives, just simply see each other once or twice a year to talk -- and for me, solve.

Recently that rhythm has changed, to include hanging out or talking nearly daily and now that that rhythm has changed, the friendship is under a bit of strain. It hasn't been easy. But aside from that, in comparing the two experiences, one impersonally personal, the other personally impersonal, I couldn't help thinking about how these two friends represent very distant points on my friendship model and if there was something lacking in both.

Or something lacking in how I've been keeping all friendships. How is it that two people, both considered to be very close to me, can exist in such separate spaces in my life and in my interactions with them? And why do I have such trouble detailing those things to either of them? Or more accurately, verbalizing and identifying what I want/need from one, and what I can/can't give to the other?

Recently Lilly has said a few times how her world is right again with me and Hong being friends again. Not that we were ever not friends but there have been some strained bits the past year or two, surrounding how I was at work the time I went nutty and also how we all walked out from the job afterward. In those conversations, there was definitely times when trust was a big issue. I think for me, the friendship between guys is hardly much questioned because once you accept a guy friend into your life, like a really good guy friend, the only thing that tends to strain that bond is a girl. Nothing splits guys up like having a girl in the middle.

But in these situations where trust devolves a bit, I squarely believe in acting out of self interest. While, of course, you always cling to your desire to not hurt the other person (and think of their interests as well), when it comes down to it, people need to act out of their own desires and wishes and if both people are honest and truthful about that, a bigger and better friendship will emerge. And right now, in a somewhat similar, but totally different way, James and I are going through a rough patch. And I say "rough" because there is a general lack of closeness that has been brought upon by the current situation and all the ramifications along with it. Whenever we've told anyone about it, one of the first things they'll say is how said it is to see the two of us "broken up."

So in that way, this weekend was wonderful. We had a standard and regular guy's night in (with George) and between the food and the poker and the laughs and the making fun of each other, we found familiarity again. Which is something that years of foundational friendship brings. When I've tried to explain my current feelings about the situation, and how I've been reluctant to engage in interactions with both of them, it's always in this way where I know that we're perfectly fine on the surface levels, but lurking underneath it is an uncomfortability and wariness, from both sides I think.

Only time, and eventual conversation, will heal that but given my current mind state, it's always good to have positive reminders of the way things usually are. Because at the end of the day, your boys will be your boys and the things that could pry you apart generally don't last for too long because male friendships tend to be more resilient than female friendships. If I can make that very broad generalization.